Now that Twitter is Fully Toxic, Who’s Winning the Social Media Wars?

How my history with social media has informed my choice for the best new platform

I was once an avid Twitter user, though it wasn’t my first experience with social media. Like many parents, I’d joined Facebook in its infancy, mostly to keep an eye on my kids – one of whom had transitioned there from MySpace. But like most adults during Facebook’s infancy, I became a regular user – posting and sharing, not always sure how this whole social media thing was supposed to work. And then, like many, I became extremely disenchanted with Facebook for all the reasons you probably know: the disinformation and polarization, the constant barrage of humble brags and posting of people’s false narratives, and of course, Mark Zuckerberg’s lack of concern over user privacy, content moderation, and accountability for offensive and sometimes violent rhetoric. 

I wasn’t under the false impression that Jack Dorsey cared anymore about all of this stuff than Zuck did but Twitter was – especially in those early days – so much more enjoyable.

First, the idea that you had to keep your tweets to a certain number of characters appealed to me as a writer. You had to be crisp. You had to be clever. You had to distill your thoughts down to their purest essence. 

Second, you had access to anyone – brands, celebrities, sports figures, and of course, regular folks – and you could engage with them in the closest thing to a town square available in the digital world. There was nothing more entertaining than coalescing around a major pop culture event and reading the creative and often hilarious thoughts that Tweeps shared. There was always a bit of a rush associated with someone notable liking your Tweet, gaining new followers because you tweeted something interesting, or having a tweet retweeted multiple times.

Finally, back then, Twitter was truly a place where you could meet like-minded friends. Hashtags let you instantly seek out a community all interested in the same topic. As a sports – and in particular, hockey – fan (and what some in my family call “the angriest sports tweeter” but only when my team is losing miserably), I quickly found other sports fans to commiserate with. There was an entire #HockeyTwitter community and specifically, an #LAKings family, and getting to know them as we live-tweeted games was pure fun. Celebrating the Kings winning their second cup in 2014 was even more special because we had all shared the season and the playoffs leading up to that cup win together, in real time, digitally. In fact, many of us have actually met in person since and become friends outside the Twitterverse.

Like all good things, the Twitter we knew and loved came to an end when Jack stepped aside and sold the company to Elon Musk. We all know what Musk has done to Twitter since he arrived with his layoffs and firings, ill-conceived, paid blue-check mark requirements, rate limits and so on. Suffice to say that Twitter is dying a slow and ugly death. The day Musk’s acquisition closed, I deleted my Twitter accounts and never looked back. But I have been hoping for a substitute – some other platform that would take Twitter’s place.

Some friends had checked out Mastodon, others gravitated to Spoutible, but none seemed to have the feel of Twitter while attracting the same mass of users – in particular, brands and organizations – that, like it or not, are necessary to make such a platform successful.

Then Jack told us he was creating a new platform – BlueSky. This is going to be great, thought Twitter users everywhere! Unfortunately, Jack made BlueSky available only to a select set of folks, opening it up little by little with invitation codes they could bestow upon others, thereby limiting the user base. Of course, this perceived exclusivity gave BlueSky some definite buzz and caché and when a friend offered me an invite code, I took advantage of it to see for myself if this could eventually be the Twitter replacement we were all hoping for.

As it happens, almost simultaneous with my acquisition of the coveted code for BlueSky, Meta launched Threads and threw a wrench into both BlueSky’s and Twitter’s plans. Seemingly taken off guard by the launch, both Musk and Dorsey went into attack mode against Zuck and Threads. Personally, I find this three-way hissy fit to be the expected and unsurprising result of Silicon Valley bro culture and while I doubt there will be a literal cage match, the likes of which Musk and Zuck have been talking about for weeks, there is certainly a raging war for the hearts, minds, attention spans, and ultimately – data – because, let’s be real, it’s what all of them and their eventual advertisers want, of social media users.

Zuckerberg did one thing his rivals could not that made Threads an instantaneous success with nearly 100 Million users in just under four days: he allowed Instagrammers to use their existing accounts to sign-up for Threads and automatically import all of their Instagram follows and followers. I was encouraged by friends and family members to check it out on the first day it emerged and liked what I saw. Threads has a Twitter-like look and feel and immediately, most of the former Twitter friends I wanted to see (and whom I’d been missing since giving up Twitter a year ago) arrived there. It seemed like just a few hours passed before brands, celebrities, and organizations joined in.

I’ve now been using both Threads and BlueSky for about four days. Do either of these fully replace the Twitter experience I once loved? Not yet. But one of them is getting closer than the other. Here’s my take:

Right now, BlueSky has a nice, visual look and feel that is slightly better than Threads and very Twitter-like. I appreciate the “What’s Hot” (similar to Twitter’s “Trending”) at the top of the feed which lets you quickly see what’s happening on the platform. There’s also a “Popular with Friends” tab at the top but it is “temporarily disabled and will be back soon” apparently. BlueSky’s key feature win over Threads is that it allows you to curate your feed, seeing only those accounts you are following. Threads doesn’t have this yet so, as one friend put it, it’s like drinking from a fire hose every time you open the app, instead of just seeing what you want to see. That said, the Threads folks say they are working on this and will soon enable both this as well as the ability to see your feed chronologically.

My chief issue with BlueSky is that the limited user base makes it seem very “cliquey”. I don’t see a lot of the friends, family, brands and organizations I want to follow on the platform, so that immediately limits my interest and engagement. There’s a “Discover Feeds” that purports to help you find things you’re interested in (similar to what hashtags do for Twitter, Instagram and other social media platforms), but it seems very limited and frankly, some of the Feeds are just odd and not of interest to me (Cat Pics – nope, Game Dev – for gaming design and development, and HellThread feed – which, I honestly have no idea about, even after looking through it). I’ve also noticed that many of the folks I follow have become seriously obsessed with raging against not just Elon and Twitter – the common enemy of all right now – but against Zuckerberg and Threads, since the moment it came onto the scene. BlueSky seems snarkier, more aggressive, and just a bit less welcoming than I would have expected.

That brings me to Threads. The positives: I loved that I immediately had connections to folks I wanted to see there, largely due to the automatic porting over of my Instagram audience. Brands, celebs and organizations, as mentioned before, flocked to it immediately, so I instantly saw, for example, my Los Angeles Dodgers, Kings and UCLA Bruins, retailers I like including Nordstrom and Lululemon, fun accounts like On Her Turf and Saint Hoax, and personalities and celebrities from Dr. Jane Goodall to Trevor Noah. The look and feel is decent and similar enough to Twitter to make it user-friendly and intuitive. That said, it is missing some key features that must be added if it’s truly going to win me over:

• Ability to curate the feed – Critical for removing all the noise and allowing me to follow just those I want to see and hear. Also, the ability to make the feed chronological (which Threads says will happen) is a must.
• Hashtags or something like them – Everyone wants to be able to quickly find the topics and events they’re interested in following and “threading” about. It’s a key means of starting and/or following a conversation.
• Ability to integrate GIFs and other visuals natively – You can attach photos (haven’t tried videos yet) but if you want to use a GIF, you have to use a third party app (and most of those have some sketchy tracking). I use the Giphy app for now and copy/paste which sometimes – but not always – works. Note that I’ve seen a number of users posting on BlueSky that they don’t care for GIFs, are “over them” or think that they make people “lazy” when they can substitute a GIF for words. I’m ambivalent though I do like a good GIF now and then to illustrate a point but I’m mostly sharing this to give you yet another clue as to the vibe at BlueSky.
• No direct messaging. To be fair, neither BlueSky nor Threads has Direct Messaging yet and I always felt like DMs were more a curse than a blessing, so I’m not too fussed about it. Regardless, I expect both platforms to add this in the future as many users do want it.

So who wins this war? It’s only been four days, so I could change my view – particularly once BlueSky opens up to anyone – but my money is on Threads. I think Zuck’s marketing strategy of rolling this out via Instagram was brilliant – less friction equals easy adoption. The Threads vibe seems positive so far with many users praising the platform for being a “kinder and gentler” place than Twitter. That said, I’m skeptical that Meta will be able to maintain this as it grows the user base and scales the platform, but having some content moderation as compared to the hellscape Twitter has become is refreshing. Head of Instagram, Adam Mosseri, who was key to bringing Threads to life, says they are “looking to build an open, civil place for people to have conversations”. It remains to be seen whether or not they can make it happen, but so far, my money is on Threads for the best chance to win this social media war. 

The Obsessive Mind of a Former Fitness Instructor (and Three Tips)

I’m nothing if not self-aware. Let me say that up front. I am, admittedly, a bit of a perfectionist. A bit (maybe more than a bit) of a control freak. And I can be judgmental. That said, I justify it all when I think I’m right about something. And of course, I’m here to tell you that I’m right about this: that half the people working out are going to get injured, or at the very least, get very little benefit out of their workouts because they are doing them all wrong.

Yes, there’s the judgmental part but hear me out.

I have been taking Pilates reformer classes now for nearly ten years. For the chronic wear-and-tear issues I developed through 20 years of taking and teaching aerobics classes, Pilates is my physical therapy. The first few years, every class was like an awesome mind-body experience. I got a great workout, felt stronger and more flexible, but also gained a clearer mind and a better attitude – all of the positive benefits we know come from regular exercise. I often take Pilates classes at lunchtime – the perfect break from work which involves a lot of sitting at my desk and constant Zoom meetings (even pre-pandemic – I’ve worked from home for 28 years).

But lately, I’ve been leaving class annoyed. The studio I belong to has some great instructors – if you know what you’re doing. But so many people in their classes don’t know what they’re doing and I’ve witnessed an increasingly laissez-faire attitude amongst the instructors. They’ll give an instruction but won’t correct when they see egregious errors. Their cues are easy to follow for those of us who know and can pace ourselves, but they rarely go the extra mile to ensure all participants follow them – or even suggest that a beginner might need to take a beginning class rather than an advanced one. 

It. Has. Been. Driving. Me. Crazy. 

Yes, part of it is my desire to control. Part of it is the fact that I dearly miss teaching and sometimes (often) think to myself, I could do this better! It’s how I started teaching aerobics back in the ‘80s, after all – while taking classes, it occurred to me that I could do that! And although I already had a full-time career, I took teaching fitness classes seriously. I studied and got certified which involved both a written test to prove I had a basic understanding of exercise physiology, and a practical test that demonstrated I could create and lead a class. I taught at reputable gyms and studios. I had mentors. I spent time crafting fun but safe routines and picking music that I liked and thought others would enjoy.

So I’ve arrived home from Pilates class these days more than once, ranting to my husband.

These people are going to hurt themselves!

The instructors aren’t correcting them!

They’re going so fast and no one has proper form!

My husband has responded by nodding patiently, but basically telling me to focus on my own workout (good advice – the thing I’ve been telling myself – but impossible for my obsessive mind to do). 

There’s also the argument that “well, at least they are exercising” and absolutely – given how many couch potatoes never get that far, and all of the issues our country has with obesity, heart disease, and a myriad of other health issues that can be ascribed to a lack of movement, I certainly give anyone some credit for getting themselves up and to the gym or out the door and moving their body. But…I can’t help thinking, all that effort and you’re still not going to try to do it right?

So I turn to writing these three tips, mostly to vent and perhaps, to impart some words of wisdom to those who may be avid exercisers who have never thought about this much, or beginners who could use some guidance. Most of all, I write this for my own peace of mind if I’m being honest, and because otherwise, I am going to continue obsessing to the detriment of my own workout. 

1. Faster is NOT better. There is nothing worse than starting your Pilates class with some nice, controlled, muscle-warming foot work with proper breathing, only to have the person next to you flailing back and forth at top speed like they’re on a trampoline. The “faster is not better” edict goes for nearly every form of exercise from the aerobics and jazzercise of old to Pilates to yoga to weight lifting to whatever form of group exercise class you’re taking. When you do a movement quickly, your body uses momentum. The more momentum, the less you engage the muscles to do the work and the more likely you are to do the movement incorrectly. When you’re doing a movement incorrectly, you are not only unlikely to achieve the desired benefits, you’re more likely to injure yourself. It’s something I wish every gym and studio would literally have plastered across their walls: Slow Down! One excellent Pilates instructor I had would always say “Slow and Controlled, Smooth and Precise”. It should be everyone’s mantra.

• Form is everything. Without proper form, as noted above, you’re not only unlikely to achieve the benefits of a specific movement or exercise, you’re also more likely to injure yourself. One of my mentors used to tell her class “Better to do a few of these properly than a ton of them improperly”. We’d still have those people in class – you know them (and hopefully are not one of them) – that no matter what, they have to complete the full set of 20 reps even if they’ve already exhausted the muscle they’re working and should have stopped at 10. Let’s take a simple abdominal crunch. That person who is red in the face, yanking on their neck, lifting their lower back off the ground, recruiting their legs to help them lift, but finishes the full set of crunches is not hard core and in fact, they’re not even working their abdominals much. In fact, once the abdominals tire, it’s the lower back that often gets recruited to help and that can lead to injury. Fewer reps with proper form is the way to go.

• Be honest with yourself. There was a beautiful young woman next to me in our intermediate class the other day. Because, as I’ve explained, I’m obsessive, I couldn’t help but notice how her workout was going while conducting mine. She couldn’t finish the series of planks we did – which is totally ok! She also struggled on our squat series – again, totally ok! What I didn’t think was ok is that after class, she told our instructor, “I think I need a harder class”. Look, I’m all for challenging yourself, but if you’re not able to complete the exercises properly in an intermediate class, moving yourself up to an advanced level is going to be detrimental to your progress. Yes, you can modify in any class. But I would also argue that you can make any class – and any movement, in fact – harder and more challenging. I could go to a beginner class (and sometimes do to accommodate my work schedule and some chronic injury issues that have to be catered to) and still make it incredibly challenging by focusing on the movement and my form, maybe adding a spring to the reformer or grabbing some hand weights. I mean, I wish I could do everything I did at the age of 20 without risk of injury or massive amounts of recovery time, but that’s not my reality and I’m ok with it. Whatever your level of fitness, be honest with yourself, be ok with it, and challenge yourself to do more after (and only after) you’ve mastered your current level.

I’m off to Pilates class now. I’ll try to suppress the former fitness instructor inside of me but you can bet there will be a moment where I look to my right or left and have to grit my teeth, close my eyes, and tell myself to focus on – and enjoy – my own workout. 

Oscar time: Best Picture Hot Takes

It’s Oscar time and, well, I managed to watch six of the ten films nominated for Best Picture (I say we go back to FIVE best picture nominees like in the old days – anyone with me?). I had really hoped to squeeze in a few more this weekend but, hey, my daughter got engaged on Friday night so I think I have a pretty good excuse. At any rate, if you’re looking for hot takes on some of the nominees, you’ve come to the right place!

The Winner – it really does have everything, everywhere and all at once

Everything, Everywhere, All at Once – So unique, creative, and ultimately, moving. You’ve probably heard about the stellar performances from Michelle Yeoh and Ke Huy Quan – and they are excellent – but for me, Stephanie Hsu, who plays their daughter, stole the movie. Jamie Lee Curtis was also a huge surprise in her role and deserves the accolades she has received. The great thing about this move beyond its uniqueness is that you find yourself thinking things like “this is so bizarre!” and “hot dogs for fingers?” but at every juncture, you still relate to the characters and the underlying family story and for me, the ending packed a powerful emotional punch that I just didn’t see coming. Hands down, this is my favorite of all the Oscar-nominated films I’ve watched this year and earns my vote for Best Picture.

Great acting, but ultimately, didn’t hit the mark

The Banshees of Inisherin – The performances were very good. Everyone will talk about Colin Farrell and Brendan Gleeson and they are very good but Kerry Condon (Siobhan) and Barry Keoghan (Dominic) stood out for me. That said, at the end of the movie, I was left wondering… “Really? That’s it?” Also not a fan of self-mutilation or sad endings for animals but maybe that’s just me. Ultimately, I found myself wanting more from this story and from its main characters.

Good 80s fun and games but not a Best Picture candidate

Top Gun: Maverick – I’m a total sucker for 80s nostalgia. I’m also a total sucker for Tom Cruise movies, even though I dislike him and his freakish loyalty to Scientology. I can’t help myself – I will still go see his movies every time. Miles Teller was good. Tom was good. Jennifer Connolly was fine. There was just nothing “outstanding” in any of those performances, IMHO. I thoroughly enjoyed this movie because – again, the 80s nostalgia and it’s a Tom Cruise picture – but it’s not a Best Picture candidate for me. 

Austin Butler IS Elvis and Luhrmann films are cool, but still didn’t quite hit the mark.

Elvis – I really like this movie. Granted, I watched it on a plane, and I was tired, but I found it to be compelling and emotional, even knowing most of the story about Elvis and his demise already. They could have done a better job with Priscilla’s character – she was very one-dimensional – but of course, the focus was Elvis and Austin Butler was phenomenal. He didn’t play Elvis – he was Elvis. If you doubt just how well Butler embodied Elvis, just watch him on the interview and awards show circuit where he proves to be completely incapable of shedding the accent, mannerisms, and personality of Elvis Presley (side note: he may need some therapy). Tom Hanks as Colonel Parker was fine but the fact that he narrates the film was a bit odd – I mean, he’s the villain, right? I do love the absolute “cinema” (see Harry Styles’ song of the same name) of a Baz Luhrmann film. All of that said, Butler deserves to be nominated for his portrayal of Elvis, but this is not quite Best Picture for me when compared to the masterpiece that is Everything, Everywhere, All at Once.

The Fablemans – This is the runner-up to Everything, Everywhere, All at Once for me. I wondered if Spielberg could be as adept at turning the camera on his own life as he is shining it on the lives of others. Spoiler: he is. The performances – especially, Michelle Williams as Spielberg’s mom – were excellent and authentic, and the story was touching, funny, joyful, and yes, terribly sad. Most of all, it felt authentic. If Everything, Everywhere, All at Once hadn’t been in the running, The Fablemans would have had my vote.

Triangle of Sadness – I was so intrigued by the trailer for this movie and thought…a Swedish film? Comedy? Making fun at the expense of models and influencers? This has got to be great! So in reality, this movie is not what I would deem a comedy. Or perhaps it’s just a very dark comedy (because there are funny parts) with an extremely overt message about inequality and how dire circumstances can quickly change societal power. I didn’t hate this movie but I didn’t like it either. It really hit you over the head with its underlying messages as in the scene where Woody Harrelson as the ship’s captain and a wealthy Russian passenger trade quotes debating socialism and capitalism – amusing but zero subtlety. Perhaps that was the point. And I don’t know about you, but watching people suffer (and I do mean SUFFER) from seasickness in graphic detail for a prolonged period of time is not my idea of enjoyment. At one point, I felt like I might have to head for the bathroom myself. This film disappointed me.

In the “sorry, I couldn’t be bothered” category:

All Quiet on the Western Front – Look, I read this book way back when. It was good, it was heartbreaking, it was thought-provoking. It’s a classic war story we’ve seen numerous times and there is plenty of war each day in the news. I just couldn’t do it.

Avatar, The Way of Water – I liked the original Avatar but trying to get me to sit through another three hours and 12 minutes of the blue people? Nope, not happening.

Women Talking – I really wanted to want to see this film. And I’m sure if I watched it, I’d be glad I did. But alas…I did not.

Tár – I love Cate Blanchett and frankly, just ran out of time to see this one. Please tell me if I need to make time to watch it after the awards (and if it wins – or if Cate somehow beats out Michelle Yeoh – I definitely will.

So tell me: what did I miss? What did I get wrong? Which film is your Best Picture winner?

“Treat People with Kindness” is an Apt Lesson for this year’s Grammy Awards

If you watched the Grammy’s this past weekend, you no doubt saw that Beyoncé became the most decorated performer ever in Grammy history. I like Beyoncé though admit I haven’t heard more than a couple of songs from “Renaissance”. I’m sure it was very deserving of recognition and that’s why the Grammy voters bestowed several awards upon her for the album – and why she is now the all-time Grammy winner.

But the topic du jour, of course, is that Beyoncé has never won the so-called “big” award, Album of the Year. Some people have said the Grammy voters are out-of-touch or worse, misogynistic and racist. It’s true that out of all the Album of the Year winners, only 11 have been Black (one of them – Jon Batiste – took home last year’s award while Stevie Wonder was the first Black artist in 1974 and has won the award three times). It’s also true that only three Black women have won the award previously (for the record: Natalie Cole, Whitney Houston, and Lauryn Hill). 

So maybe Beyoncé lost to Harry Styles’ “Harry’s House” because the Grammy voters lean conservative or worse, because they are biased against women of color. Maybe, as this LA Times Opinion piece stated, it’s because of pure politics:

Less perniciously, simple politics is at play too. The academy rewards artists it knows, whether through business relationships or through a willingness to perform at its charity galas and appear on its TV shows. Carlile has done just about every one of those you can think of; Styles’ manager, who sat next to him during Sunday’s ceremony, is Jeffrey Azoff, whose father Irving is one of the most well-connected people in the music industry. Beyoncé, in contrast, doesn’t play much ball.

While I have a hard time believing that Beyoncé is less “well-connected” than Brandi Carlile or Harry Styles, it’s certainly possible that politics factor into these awards. I mean, people get hired for jobs every day because they know someone at the company where they’re interviewing.

To be clear, I’m not here to debate WHY Beyoncé lost or even whether or not her loss was a mistake. One of the problems with – or beauties of, if the glass is half full – music, as with all art, is that it’s highly subjective. What sounds like, literally, music to my ears, may sound like unwelcome noise to you, and vice versa.

Should Beyoncé have won? I don’t know. Are the Grammy voters racist, or just conservative and clueless? No idea. But I’m here to make the case that regardless of the answers to those questions, the artist who did win the Album of the Year award does not deserve the kind of hatred, vitriol, and straight-up booing and bullying he received during and after the Awards.

First, full disclosure: My younger daughter recently brought me to a Harry Styles concert. I was already a casual fan but the concert confirmed for me that he is not only talented and charismatic, he puts on a great show, seems to genuinely enjoy performing for his fans, and “Harry’s House” is (subjectively, in my opinion) a great album.

So when he won the Album of the Year award, I certainly wasn’t upset. I knew Beyoncé was the expected winner and that there would be some outrage. But I was shocked that the blowback I witnessed was directed towards Harry, himself. You could hear a number of people in the Grammy audience booing and yelling at him during his acceptance speech, and both during and after the show, the online social media comments were full of disdain and disrespect towards him as people began the now-familiar “Beyoncé was robbed” refrain. To her credit and demonstrating that she’s a class act, Bey stood with many other artists including Lizzo and Adele, and applauded Harry’s win.

But again, I’m not going to weigh in on whether or not Beyoncé should have won the award or what is really to blame for the Grammy voters seemingly dissing her in the Album of the Year category so many times. 

The problem I want to address is the hate and utter disrespect showered upon the artist who was given the award. Any artist – male, female, transgender, straight, queer, black or white – who is crapped upon because they dared accept an award that Grammy voters bestowed upon them deserves better. 

Whether you believe Harry Styles was the rightful recipient of this award or not, hate and disrespect should never be sent his way or towards any other artist in his situation. Take it up with the Grammy voters but don’t punish the artist who likely worked just as hard as Bey to create something his fans would appreciate and is, in turn, appreciative for the recognition. In this particular case, the hate is even more distressing given Harry is known for preaching love and kindness, acceptance and individuality, and he literally celebrates these values during each and every one of his performances.

I saw comments that called out the part of Harry’s speech where he seemed to very sincerely say, “This doesn’t happen very often to people like me” – comments like: “Imagine a white man saying this when a Black woman was up for this award.” Again, I’m not saying Grammy voters haven’t slighted women of color – it’s very possible they have – but that doesn’t mean Harry’s comment was unaware or racist in nature. When he talked about “people like me”, he could have been referring to any number of things: his humble background, his boy-band beginnings, or the fact that many people have dismissed his music in the past because his fan base includes a lot of screaming teenage girls. And in a Rolling Stone article published last August, he told the author of the story about his attempts to become more educated, thoughtful and outspoken about issues that were important to him, saying, “Pretending as a white person you don’t get a head start just isn’t true.”

I guess the bottom line is that every misstep or perceived wrong in the world – from major issues to minor ones like a Grammy award – can now be condemned in real-time and that’s the world we have to live in. But maybe those who are so vehemently condemning need to take just a few moments to think not only about what they’re saying but to whom they’re directing their wrath.

As Harry says in the song…

Maybe we can
Find a place to feel good
And we can treat people with kindness
Find a place to feel good.

Sounds like good advice to me.

New Year’s Resolution: Be Kind to Yourself

Photo by Oleksandr Pidvalnyi on Pexels.com

One of my daughter’s asked me last night, while we celebrated the arrival of a new year together, if I had any New Year’s resolutions. I generally avoid resolutions; my view is that if you truly want or need to make a change in your life, you can do so anytime, and those I know who continually make a new list each January, seem to give up on their commitments a few months in. But I did have an experience a few weeks ago that made me think about an important pledge that I should make to myself.

I was finishing up a Pilates class and a friend and fellow Pilates enthusiast was just arriving for her class. At my studio, there are different class levels with a level 1 being the easiest, a 1.5 being the level that most regulars attend, and a level 2 for true masters of pilates. I’ve primarily taken 1.5 classes the past few years as they offer the challenge I need and fit into my work schedule best but lately, I’d been taking more level 1 classes due to a nagging SI joint injury.

My friend greeted me and asked what class I had just finished.

“Oh, just a level one,” I noted.

“Why did you say ‘just’?” she asked. “We need to stop judging ourselves so harshly,” she continued. “It’s my New Year’s resolution.”

I’ve been thinking about what she said ever since. As someone who taught aerobics classes for 20+ years, I’ve always been competitive about my workouts and hard on myself when it comes to exercise. While age and chronic injuries have forced me to slow down to some extent over the years, I suppose I’ve never really accepted the adjustments I’ve had to make.

Similarly, those who have worked with me over the years know that I’m the same way on the job. I expect a lot of others but hold myself to an even higher standard. I have a hard time accepting that I can’t “do it all” and when I fall short of my goals, I’m generally not a happy camper.

But I know that to be happier – at work, at home, and at the gym – it’s imperative that I start being a bit kinder to myself. I’ll never not have high expectations but this year, I’m resolving to accept that I won’t always meet those expectations. I’m going to try, at least.

When I think back to that day and that particular Pilates class, the workout I had that day was actually exactly what I needed. While it wasn’t “hard”, it was “hard enough”, and I remember feeling really great after the class was over until my friend asked me about it. I’ve been replaying the scene to determine how I might have better responded to her question instead of making excuses, beating myself up, and expecting more.

When I get back to the Pilates studio in a few days, after a wonderful holiday vacation, I plan to ease back in with a level 1 class and see how it feels. And if it feels good, if it’s what I need, I’m going to reflect on that, feel accomplished, and move on with my kinder, gentler attitude.

Wishing you all a wonderful 2023 and I hope you will be kinder to yourself – and others – in the New Year!

Don’t Accept the Elon Musk Model of “Leadership”

I debated long and hard about weighing in on the Elon Musk Twitter debacle. After all, I’ve spent my entire career in the technology industry – an industry that has long been associated with powerful, mostly white men like Musk who have been both revered for their innovations while being reviled for their management styles and methods. Steve Jobs. Larry Ellison. Mark Zuckerberg. It almost seems as if the recipe for success has to include some level of “douchiness” for lack of a better term.

Recently, I read a defense of Musk and the now-infamous letter that he sent to Twitter employees asking them to be “hard-core” or resign. This defense of Musk compared him to other technology leaders who were known to be tough, particularly in the face of a company that required a cultural change, and noted that the great thing about our country is you have a choice of where you’d like to work, so those who didn’t want to subscribe to Elon’s “vision” could simply choose not to work there.

Unfortunately, what this defense of Musk forgot is that not all employees received this letter or a choice in the matter. Some, like my daughter’s friend, received a 3:00 AM email and were given no choice, discarded like yesterday’s trash without a simple, human interaction, cut off immediately from all of their company resources and applications, told not to show up for work the next day without any warning. And far from being a high-ranking executive with a golden parachute, this now-former employee will be struggling to make rent without a paycheck.

Those employees on work visas certainly don’t have a choice – unless, of course, they’d like to be uprooted and sent back to their country of origin. And I suppose it is technically a choice for those who have a family to support and a mortgage, or ongoing health issues that necessitate medical insurance – at least until they’ve found another job – if they can manage to squeeze in the interviews while they’re devoting their “hard core” hours to Elon.

When did we decide that treating people this way was a good and necessary quality in a leader? When did we conclude that the only way to turn a company around, to be successful in a capitalistic system, is to be cold, uncaring, and downright nasty? And how, in this pre-pandemic world of remote and hybrid work, with the discovery of the mental and physical health and productivity benefits of work-life balance, did we wind up with this guy, who subscribes to the outdated ‘round the clock, sleep-in-your-office style work, that is reminiscent of the 1980s “greed is good” model?

Perhaps it’s still primarily an American way of thinking. Certainly, in her recent response to Musk’s “the bird is freed” tweet, European Union official, Thierry Breton, made it clear that Elon’s mode of operation won’t work in Europe. Breton tweeted back “In Europe, the bird will fly by our rules”, letting Elon know that Europe has strict guidelines for how to treat employees, not to mention much more stringent content rules. Twitter will either have to comply or be banned from the European market. As this Los Angeles Times article explains, Twitter was forced already to rescind the firing of one European executive since her termination notice didn’t comply with EU standards – standards that ensure employees are treated with some level of civility and respect. Imagine that.

Musk wants employees to be “hard core” to implement his vision for Twitter. What is this so-called vision? Free speech on Twitter seems to mean allowing disinformation (the revoking of the Covid misinformation policy is just one example) but suspending anyone who dares to make fun of Elon. According to this New York Times article, hate speech’s rise on Twitter since Musk took over is unprecedented. And allowing disinformation and hate kings like Donald Trump and Kanye West back on the platform has certainly contributed to this pattern (late-breaking update that posting a Swastika finally crossed a line for Musk and he ejected Kanye from the platform again).

Furthermore, in trying to change Twitter into an engineering-led company that asks users to pay-for-play, Musk has made one mistake after another. He seems to have forgotten that Twitter is not like Tesla with a product manufactured in a factory. Twitter is a social media platform that caters to two main audiences – users and advertisers. Great code alone will serve neither audience. The tech industry is littered with startups founded by great engineers who couldn’t market their way out of a paper bag. Anyone recall that great GUI developed at Xerox Parc? 

In my own 30+ years in the tech industry, I’ve worked for many leaders who had to make tough choices about cost-cutting, layoffs, and enacting broad cultural changes. The true leaders (who also experienced great success, by the way) treated everyone with dignity. By contrast, Musk behaves like an angry toddler, intent on getting his way and listening only to his inner voice – a dangerous quality in any “leader”. 

Time will tell, of course, and if money is the only measure of success, it’s clear that Musk has been successful with his previous ventures. But if being a good leader and a builder of lasting companies where people want to work is the measure, the jury is definitely still out. 

Needless to say, I left Twitter – deactivating both of my accounts – just after Musk took over. I’ve been neither surprised by Musk’s actions nor have I been shocked by those who have defended him. But I have been saddened at the continued acceptance in our country – championing, even – of so-called leaders behaving badly, treating people with disrespect, and asking them to commit to an unnecessary and unhealthy (both mentally and physically) style of work until you drop. Just as our country rejected a political leader in 2020 who ruled with hate and disrespect, I hope we’ll soon turn our backs on the kind of business leadership style that embraces those tenets, as well.

Is it too late to ask what I want to do when I grow up?

Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Pexels.com

I was speaking with some friends recently – all of us of a certain age with children who are now adults and forging their own paths in life. We were talking about how normal it is for kids not to know exactly what they want to do when they graduate from high school or college – and even during their first years of adulthood.

“I mean, I still don’t know what I want to do when I grow up,” I said jokingly. Everyone laughed like I was the best stand-up comedian they’d ever heard.

But it wasn’t entirely a joke. Is it strange to be in your fifth decade on the planet and still not know what you want to do with your life? Is it presumptuous to believe you still have important decisions to make, places to go, people to meet, impact to make, when most of your peers are edging towards retirement?

I’ve had a good career – and it’s still going. And I made a significant change last December from being self-employed for the past 25+ years to moving back to full-time employment with one company. But I don’t feel like this is the end of the road. I keep wondering when I’ll figure out exactly what I want to be, what I’m somehow meant to do. And while I certainly sense the ticking of the clock, I don’t believe it’s too late to change course or try something completely different.

Sure some of the things I mull about in my head when I can’t sleep at night are probably unrealistic. I mean, I’m not going be a professional athlete at this stage of my life. But people get in shape and run marathons in their 70s, so dipping my toes back into the fitness realm is certainly not out of the question. I taught aerobics classes off and on for twenty years and I still miss it. So maybe no one does traditional aerobics or step anymore, but there’s always Pilates, Yoga, Water Aerobics (cringe!). I always thought these were “old lady” activities but hey – I’m creeping up on that status and now I see nothing wrong with having fitness be at least part of the “what I want to do” equation.

Sports, especially hockey. Talk about passion for your subject matter! I explored blogging for a couple of sites in past years. So I’m not going to be a sports broadcaster at this age, nor am I going to take away the careers of lifelong sports journalists, or publicists who have spent their careers in sports rather than tech like me. But it’s a big wide world, especially online, and there’s plenty of room for writing, opining, podcasting, and general opinion-sharing.

Teaching. One of my favorite jobs in college was tutoring English for UCLA’s Academic Advancement Program. We helped low income and minority students, and occasionally, we were loaned out to the Athletic department to help student-athletes. I always felt such a profound sense of accomplishment when one of my students came to me after a test with a smile on their face, knowing they did well. And teaching satisfies a sense of giving back, doing something important for the world, that I have missed in my career to date.

What else? Well, I had several short stories published at one point and I wrote a novel. I always thought I’d be a writer, but the cold, hard reality of the publishing world – querying hundreds of agents, getting just far enough to taste it and then being rejected – caused me to push it aside at some point. But I still love it. Self-publishing? It has become more common, I know many people who have done it (and some lucratively), and hey – some of my favorite authors are in their later years, so it’s definitely never too late to write.

We are fortunate enough to be around during a time when we can live longer and healthier lives. Studies continually show that people are working longer and retiring at later ages. So why limit yourself to one, two, or three careers? Why push aside the thought that you might still not know what you want to be when you grow up, regardless of your chronological age?

I’m going to keep plugging away at my current job. But I’m also going to keep dreaming about what I really want to be when I grow up and maybe, just maybe, I’ll figure it out.

At Face Value

I lift my bangs and study the creases in my forehead. I don’t care much about them because I still have bangs and so long as the bangs are there, hiding the deepening lines, I don’t need to worry about them. But the drooping eyelids. Those are troublesome. I lift one, then the other, to see how I might look with artificially lifted lids. Sigh. I never wanted this.

Photo by Meruyert Gonullu on Pexels.com

I don’t mean aging. Aging is inevitable whether we want it or not, and I don’t feel old. What I mean is this sudden, gripping fear that despite all of my deep-seated values about aging gracefully, giving my daughters the proper role model – women who care more about what’s on the inside than the outside, defying the superficial, materialistic, upper middle-class suburb of Los Angeles I live in – despite all of this, I’m beginning to think that I have to do something.

Surgery is out. Right? I’ve seen the face lifts around me and I have no doubt that these women looked better before they had their faces pulled tight like Batman’s Joker. Collagen lips – I’m thankful I don’t need those and I hate that I see 20-somethings and 30-somethings filling and refilling lips that were just fine to begin with. Don’t they know that what is filled today is bound to droop and sag tomorrow? Filler. It would make sense for those laugh lines I inherited from my mother but everyone I’ve seen who took this step looks weirdly puffy-cheeked. And botox? I refuse to inject poison into my face and I had one friend whose face drooped to one side for weeks on end. She said it was a “rare” side effect.

So I’m living with it, aren’t I? I ask myself this in the mirror and then think of all the things I can still do that won’t betray my values. Color and blowout for my hair. Gotta cover that grey. Nails (I never cared about them when I was younger). Sophisticated yet still youngish, modern outfits. That temporary skin-tightening moisturizer I saw in a TikTok video.

The thing is, I’m approaching a big number age-wise and I’m still working in the corporate world. In the tech industry. And I am surrounded by youth. I study myself on Zoom calls. Can they see the lines in my neck that I can’t quit staring at? Do I need better lighting? How far to the right can I tweak the “improve my appearance” option without it looking purposely altered?

These are first-world problems to be sure. To have the luxury of even thinking about them is something most of the world wouldn’t understand. There is a war raging in Ukraine and people fighting just to stay in their homes with a roof over their heads and enough to eat. People hiding in bomb shelters just to stay alive. It seems ridiculous to be thinking these silly thoughts, to be wasting time and energy on them.

This aging complex is not uniquely American or Californian or relegated to Hollywood but it surely is more of a focus here and I swore in my younger years I would never fall for it. But now I wonder. Will my words become less valuable because my colleagues are focused on the crow’s feet around my eyes? Will they think my ideas are outdated because, after all, I’ve been around a long time in this industry and “fresh ideas” are what Silicon Valley is built on? After watching “The Dropout”, it’s clear that women were already set back at least a decade by the lies and incompetence of Elizabeth Holmes, so when you’re already fighting for equality do you really want to fight ageism at the same time?

I decide to leave this for another day. I’ll stock up on the skin-tightening lotion. I’ll book an appointment to cover the grey. I’ll try not to look too long in the mirror too often and ponder how long I’ll be comfortable staring at this image on the myriad Zoom calls I participate in every day. I’ll try not to think about what it means to be a woman, trying to age gracefully in a world that wants only to take you at face value.

Things are Disappearing

Disclaimer: I wrote this in post in March of 2020 but never posted it. Time to get back on the blogging train…

Things are disappearing, I tell my husband. He looks at me with the arched eyebrow that says, “you’re losing it”. But there was an iPhone power cord that was always by my bedside that has disappeared and I can’t seem to locate it. 

“Maybe the dog took it,” he says.

“Funny,” I respond. He may not see it, but I know that things are disappearing.

The collagen that used to make my cheeks plump and the skin above my kneecaps firm is slowly departing, leaving lines in its wake. The bounce in my step as I exit the bed in the morning has disappeared, replaced by careful planting of one foot, then the other, making sure my hip won’t pop as I stand. 

My youngest left for college nearly four years ago and was scheduled to graduate this Spring. I hear parents bemoaning the fact that their graduates may have to move home if they can’t find a job that allows them to “get off the payroll”, and avoid dwelling in basements and those extra spaces that were already being turned into offices and craft rooms and libraries. It’s true: I want my daughter to find a good job and move on but that requires admitting that this time in her life – and mine – is over. The period of time between childhood and adulthood has completed for her and things will never be the same. 

I’ve been through this disappearing act once before, so I know. It should be easy by now. My older daughter has been properly employed and on her career path since graduating college, and after living at home for about a year post-commencement, now lives with her boyfriend, just a few miles from us. I am used to her new life away from home and know that it will continue to contain less and less of me as she gets further involved in her career, her relationship, and perhaps, someday, her own family. The proverbial clock is ticking and all I can do is watch as things disappear.

Of course, given the current global crisis, we don’t know if there will be a graduation ceremony now this Spring. But graduate my little one will, bringing to a close all of the graduations of the past. Two elementary school, two middle school, two high school and now two college graduations…I still can’t catch my breath. Surely, there will still be visits and holidays and maybe like her sister, my youngest will need to come home to us for awhile – so very difficult for these college grads to make a decent living these days. But I’m not fooled by these fleeting thoughts. This life, too, is disappearing.

Don’t get me wrong. There are some things in life that are better left to the past and my memories, some things that I am not so sad to say goodbye to, from both my own childhood, teenage and young adult years, as well as those of my daughters. Middle school. Math classes. Dating. Finals week in college. Commuting two hours every day back and forth to work. Changing diapers. Lugging car seats and strollers and bags full of toys on airplanes. Teenage tantrums. Wet towels and suits everywhere. Waiting up at night for the sound of a car pulling into the garage. These things have already disappeared and I don’t miss them. Not much anyway.

But I do miss that feeling when you’re little and the summer seems to go on forever. The excitement as you get dressed before a special night out. Late night, shared conversations with best friends. The moment you know “he’s the one”. The feeling of the first rumbling kick in your belly. The sound of little voices laughing and calling “Mommy!”. Holding hands to cross the street. Reading time before bed, snuggled under the blankets. Watching soccer/basketball/plays/choral performances/volleyball and in our case, swim meet after swim meet after swim meet. Wiping tears. Hugs good night. These things are disappearing.

I am always one to look ahead, see the light, keep moving, keep living. But ever so slowly, that thought creeps in when you hit yet another milestone, that there are so few of those milestones left to hit and time is running out. You want to savor each moment just a little more, knowing that like all of these things, these moments are disappearing.

He thinks I’m crazy. I give the dog a belly rub. I write “new power cord” on my to-do list.

Lessons from a (Career) Lifetime Ago: Take Every Opportunity

Back in the 90s, when I was still working at my corporate job, I had a colleague, Steve, who never seemed to travel to or from business events with the rest of our company. On a rare occasion when he ended up on my flight to a conference in Washington, D.C., I asked him why.

Steve told me that he always took the opportunity of a business trip to arrive a day or two early or stay a day or two longer so he could explore and experience the place he was visiting. Since the company was footing the bill for the flight, he figured he only had to cover a couple of extra nights in a hotel and any additional food and entertainment costs, to transform the trip into a mini-vacation.

Steve’s point of view was: You never know if you’ll have a chance to come back to this place. Why not explore it?

Steve’s viewpoint seemed like a luxury to me. If there wasn’t a specific reason to extend my trip, I always headed directly home. I was tired and inevitably, had a pile of work to catch up on that couldn’t be done during my travels – especially in those days before smartphones and Wi-Fi on planes. I had laundry and chores waiting at home. I missed my husband and kids. And besides, it seemed daunting to venture out and explore a strange city on my own.

A few years later, after I’d left my corporate job and started my own technology PR and marketing practice, I took a relatively new client of mine on a press tour. Back in the “old days”, product launches were accomplished by visiting all of the top research firms and technology and business publications, conducting a series of face-to-face meetings crammed into as few days as possible. That typically meant visiting New York, Boston, and Silicon Valley, with occasional stops in Washington, D.C. and Chicago thrown in. These whirlwind tours were usually completed in four or five days, with as many back-to-back meetings squeezed into each day as possible. 

This particular client was a start-up and I traveled with Paul, the CEO. We had a rigorous schedule planned with two full days in New York. On the first day, we had a last-minute cancellation in the middle of our day, leaving us with a couple of hours to kill before our next meeting. The driver of our town car pulled over so we could decide what to do with the extra time. I assumed we’d return phone calls from the back of the town car, or find a coffee shop where we could work and pass the time until the next meeting. The spot where we pulled over happened to be just a block or so from the Empire State Building.

“You know,” Paul said, gazing up the block. “I’ve been to New York on business hundreds of times. And I’ve never been to the Empire State Building.”

“Neither have I,” I said. I had a vague memory of visiting New York as a child, but the half dozen times I’d traveled there for business, I’d never ventured much beyond the airport and the hotel, viewing the city from windows only.

“Do you want to go?” Paul asked. 

I didn’t know Paul very well at that point, but he had always struck me as being all work and no play, so I was more than a little surprised at the suggestion. But we had time, and I couldn’t deny that visiting the Empire State Building sounded much more fun than returning phone calls. Our schedule was exhausting and it would be nice to take a break from the work.

“Why not?” I said.

We made our way down the block and spent a good hour exploring the Empire State Building, making our way to the top, and taking in the exquisite views of Manhattan.  

This short diversion seemed to invigorate and spark something within Paul. He declared that after our business day was done, and we got back to the hotel, he would look into tickets for a Broadway show because, again, he had been to New York so many times but had never actually taken in a show. 

We accomplished quite a bit on that trip – successful meetings that generated significant press coverage – but what I’ve always remembered is the trip to the top of the Empire State Building, some delicious dinners, and getting the opportunity to see CATS and Miss Saigon on Broadway. On the plane ride home, Paul seemed strangely peaceful and relaxed. I didn’t reflect much on this at the time. For my part, I was grateful for the opportunity, and once home and settled in, I sent Paul an email to that effect.

Just a few months later, at a seemingly healthy and fit 51 years of age, Paul suffered a heart attack while walking his dogs in his neighborhood and died. Beyond the shock and sadness, I found myself thinking back to our New York visit, as I’ve done many times since, thankful that Paul took the time to put aside work and enjoy the city, and that I was there to share the experience.

In January of this year, I found myself in New York again. My client was exhibiting at a large, international conference and when my manager was unable to attend at the last minute, I volunteered to go in his place. I participated in meetings, attended conference sessions, and walked the tradeshow floor. But I also rose early one morning to make the five-mile walk from my hotel to the conference center, enjoying the view of the harbor and Statue of Liberty, taking in the artwork along the High Line, and stopping for coffee and people-watching along the way. When I found myself alone without a business dinner commitment one night, I walked to a seafood place down the street and enjoyed a glass of wine and lobster rolls at the bar. I found myself thinking about Paul and feeling thankful for the lessons we both learned on that long-ago press tour.

January 2020 now seems like a lifetime ago, given all that has happened in this crazy, tumultuous, and difficult year, and it seems unbelievable that just 11 months ago, I could have been sitting in the Jacob Javits Convention Center surrounded by thousands of people from all over the world, all of us breathing the same indoor air in close quarters. But in a year where we’ve all been forced to stay close to home, many of us living, learning, and working within the same four walls, I’m more thankful than ever for that January trip – and even more so, for the lessons learned from my former colleague, Steve, and my late client, Paul. With 2020 finally — thankfully — moving into our rearview mirror, I’ll never regret the extra time spent exploring and experiencing a new place or revisiting a familiar one. As we head into 2021, hoping for better times, let’s never take for granted a single moment we have or an opportunity presented to us. 

Here’s to a better 2021 for the entire world. Happy New Year, everyone.